It's the Mechanic Fault

Before I got married when it came to maintenance on the car I took the car faithfully for regular checkups. 2 twice a year and that included state inspections. I checked the fluids in my car each and every month within the first week of the month. I knew when I was having problems and got it taken care of right a way.

When I got married I did not have to do this because I was married to a mechanic. He had his certification to do state inspection and was considering taking classes to become a diesel mechanic. He himself assured me that as a mechanic I would never have anything to worry about when it comes to car maintenance. So I gladly gave up on any car maintenance I would just tell hubby.

I would say the breaks are a bit soft. He would check the breaks and replace them. He even replaced the routers one time. The temp gauge was going crazy in the car he replace the thermostat. The car sounded funny he changed all the spark plugs and did a host of other stuff.

This all ended by the second year of our marriage.

I would say the breaks are a bit soft. He would say there is nothing wrong with the break he just drove it earlier today. We would drive it for six more months and then when the car would not stop he would say “ I guess I better put some new breaks on the car.”

I would say the car sounds funny. He would say “ It sounds fine to me.”

I would say the car is using too much gas. He would say I am driving it too much.

Recently I told hubby that the tires are losing grip on the road when it is wet. He told me not to drive it when it is raining.

So this Saturday the sun was shining and it was a very pleasant day. I have so much to take care of I thought I would just use my car. So at 8:00 in the morning I picked up my stepdaughter and took her an appointment in Oakland.

Then I went to East Liberty and picked up my Crazy Cousin and then we went back to my house to get on the computer.

Crazy Cousin and Auntie were going to Chicago for 14 days leaving on the 3rd. She finally had her money so we were going to check the prices of the airplane tickets and then pick up Auntie to make sure her money was in the account of the card we were to use the purchase the tickets.

$250.00 for roundtrip tickets on expedia.com. She had her money so we left to get Auntie, so she could put Crazy Cousin’s money in the account. We had left the driveway and just made it up the hill to get on Greensburg Pike.

I heard the pop and the sound of the hissing noise as the air escaped the rear tire.
Crazy Cousin was instantly alarmed. “ What happened ! “

“ My tire is flat that is all!”

“ Oh lord! What are we gonna do! Can we still get the airplane tickets! Oh! Oh! Oh! I better call Auntie. “

I am instantly annoyed! 2 days ago hubby came home with some “pay as you go” cell phones

As I talked to hubby on the phone I was taking all the boxes I had in the trunk so I could get the emergency dount of a tire out to put that on. Crazy Cousin gets out of the car
“ You know how to change a tire! That’s great we will still be able to get the airline tickets. I want to give you some money for gas. I want us to have lunch today as well.”

As she was talking I had put the lift in place and was searching for the handle so that I could crank up the car. “ Oh Grief ! “

“ What wrong?! “ asked Crazy Cousin.

“ I don’t have everything I need to change the tire.”

“ Oh lord! What we gonna do! We can’t get the tickets! I better call Auntie “

Now I am looking up in the sky thinking “ Please make her shut up! “

I called my sister who call her hubby! “ What we gonna do! Lavon What we gonna do!

“Crazy Cousin, E is coming and he will help us out.”

“ Oh good we can still get the airplane tickets.”

I put everything back in the trunk of the car and got back in the car because it was suddenly hot!

E arrived and I explain that I did not have the handle to use the lift for the car. He decided that I did not know what it looked like and proceeded to take all the stuff that was in the trunk out on the discovered “ You don’t have the handle”
“ Can we get the tickets today the price is gonna go up! We need to get the tickets today.

E looks at me and I explain what I was doing when the tire blew and what still needed to be done. He agreed to help us out. So we got in his car, picked up Auntie made it to the bank which is in the plaza near my apartment. Made the deposit, went to my apartment. I booked the flight and printed the receipt the would need to get their boarding passes.

“ Thank you! Thank you! Now E can have lunch with us.”

“Crazy Cousin we cannot have lunch today because we cannot hold E up any longer than we already have. We can go to lunch when I take you to the airport.”

“You can take us to the airport.”

Did I just say that! Friday July 3, 2009 was to be my day. I was not doing anything but what I wanted to do! They all were looking at me. “ Yes I can take you to the airport.”

E took them home and I decided this whole thing would not have happen if my mechanic would have just put on the new tires when I ask him!

I know I said this before but here I go again.

Trying to have a child as I enter the age group of 50 is completely asinine! I just turned 46 this year. This is the main reason for not seeking meds to help with fertility. That is a lie! That is not my main reason for not seeking meds to help with fertility. The main reason is that I don’t want to be deemed infertile. I have never had children, I have never been pregnant. So I could just be a barren woman.

Yesterday a co-worker was telling my that her daughter felt the fluttering of her child. She is about 5 months along in her pregnancy . “ You know the fluttering feeling you feel when your pregnant.” She could tell my the blank expression on my face that I had not a clue. She then put her finger tips on my arm and lightly and quickly fluttered them. “ It feels like that .” I just nodded my head. She then changes the subject.

My belly has never grown as a child grows within and all my stretch marks are because I gained too much weight too quickly.

For me having a child meant having a husband. I married my husband when I was 40 I am now 46. My husband has a daughter she is 20. So I feel that he is not the problem. When I turned 42 we decided to try to have a child. It has been 3 1/2 years.

Since I turned 42 my cycle started playing tricks on me. Please realize that when I was in my 20’s and 30’s my cycle was regular and I was so in tune with the way my body worked I could tell what time my cycle was going to start. I felt healthy and my regular cycle was my indicator that I was healthy.

Now my cycles are irregular and I feel out of sorts most of the time. One doctor told me I was premenopausal which only made me sad because I felt I could not have a child because of this. Due to insurance changes I went to a new doctor who told me I was not premenopausal giving me hope again. But my cycles never became regular and at times I had to take Provera just to start the cycle up again.

It is really time to go back to the doctor get the blood work done to see where my FSH , LH, and prolactin levels are. If they are too high this could be a sign of menopause. I will have to make sure to include progesterone levels as well.

I guess the first step is to get to the doctor’s office.

WHAT IS WRONG WITH THIS DRESS!

I was inspired by this blog SEW MUCH FABRIC, SEW LITTLE TIME.

She is using her fabric stash to create a basic wardrobe. I just love all the T’s and skirts that she has made, so I have decided to work on doing the same.

But first (no I am not putting it off) I have to finish this dress that is making me angry.

I had a wonderful tropical print fabric which would have been the perfect summer dress. I kept the fabric for several summers and did nothing with it.

I finally decided the make a dress; unfortunately it was not a summer dress. Well it is a summer dress but its not the perfect summer dress.


I have decided to go back to not making decision when I am on my cycle. (ironic, huh!) Granted when you have not had a cycle for two months the PMS that usually sounds the warning bell is not so loud.

Never make decision to cut your hair(I'm wearing a wig her name is Oprah) or use perfect summer fabric on a non summer dress.

So my project is to redo this dress and create the perfect summer dress or at least as close to a summer dress as I can get it.



I have to do something to the sleeves and it should fit closer to the body.

I could just put the zipper in the front of it and make it a cover-up for a swimsuit.

Although when I look at it in this picture it’s not so bad.



Suggestions?

MERCY MERCY MERCY

I just happen the find this while browsing through youtube. I thought I would find something to show how the storm affected us but I did not know I would find one done by a neighbor.

Of course now you know what city I live in.

The sound they take with them

My little designers visited this weekend and I always enjoy when they come but I am completely exhausted when they leave. Even though I enjoy the peace and quiet when they are gone I also miss the noise of children playing, teasing each other, screaming at each other and the rare occasion when one of them is crying because of either physical pain or just hurt feelings.

I was the best babysitter amongst my parent’s friends and I loved doing that. Each time I was called to babysit I loved it and the kids were a great joy and I would have stay with them even if money was not involved. After each and every job I was happy that there were not little rug rats in our house and very happy to be in my quiet and kid free house. This enabled me to tell people yes I love children but I did not need any of my own. This was not true.

My mother really wanted to be a grandmother before she died. Any time we went shopping she would find the baby clothes and put her fingers into the little shoes or baby booties and call my name and she make her fingers walk with the baby shoes on them.

She battled breast cancer for most of my childhood and when she died I was over twenty not married and did not have any children. Her death hit me very hard and it was a shock to my system that I still do think I have ever come to grips with.

I have reached an age that my mother never got to live to see. I am married but still have no children.

Today I sat and talked with a friend who has a little girl who just turn 7 and her little boy will be a year in a couple of months. She is just 1 or 2 years younger than I am; she had been married for over 20 years and now after 20 years of just the 2 of them now they are a family of 4.

I had so many questions to ask her but I just listened as she talked about her mom and dad after a while I gave up on asking any questions and just listened to what she was talking about and after 15 frustrating minutes I left her with the hope of a phone call to have them over for a visit knowing that will never happen.

She had her mother and father and husband and 2 children. I have no mother or father or children and I and very happy that I could lay with my husband’s arms around me.

We both love it when the little designers come to visit but we both miss the sounds they take with them when they leave.

What to do?

I have consider shutting down this blog but as usual before giving up and I will give it one more try.

This will be the first of 30 days so see if i can blog for thirty day. Part of the problem is that I do not like to talk about me very much. I am a great listener and try to understand other problems and life situation and what they deal with but I never successfully share this information with other. So my blog suffers. I talk about work not really a major part of my life. I put in my hours and go home.

I talk about home but not extensively because I was taught home was like Vegas; what happens at home stays at home. I think Vegas got the slogan from my dad.

I have never been completely open with my thought feelings hopes and dreams. Even with my closest friend not completely. I have tried to think of the blog as an online journal and I used to write in my journal daily but even that did not get all my clearest thoughts. So what to do?

Should I blog about my lack of children and desire to have them. No really because I have resigned myself to the fact that I will never have children myself so I will have to adopt. Hubby is not on board with that so I will just borrow other family children and live like a mother for short periods of time.

Should I blog about my place of employment and any endeavor to advance. I really don't care enough. Back when I was working for the bank and going to school and trying to get ahead that is when it was a major concern for my so i talked about it a lot and it would have been a perfect time to blog about that.

Should I blog about my attempt at creating a fall line of clothing. I think this might work but when I get involved in what I am doing creatively I really do not talk about it I just do it. Also once I get started I should not stop because It is nearly impossible for me to keep the drive going. I perfer the highway or turnpike driving when I am creating and sewing not the stop and go driving of the city. When I was single this was easy to do I coud just ignore everyone and concentrate on what I was creating until it was done. And everyone knew just leave her alone. Hubby not so much. So I have to devise a way to work everyday and still make time for others, especially hubby.

Should I blog about my determination to get rid of unhealthy aspects of my life. Should I blog about my search for....... I don't know. What to do? What to do?

What is on my mind.

What has been on my mind is life without my husband. Our relationship is fine most times when stupidity acting or saying are not involved I feel happy and dearly loved.

My fear is that one day the phone call will be to tell me he died and there was nothing that the doctors could do for him. He has been making changes in the way that he eats and is taking getting the right amount of sleep more seriously but he still has some things that he must control. Portion control, today he had 7 pieces of grilled KFC. He was sorry that he mentioned it not that he ate it. Stuff like this has be thinking I will be a widow before 2012.

Tuesday I went to my services as usual but he was not by my side. Those who heard that he went to the hospital asked if he was okay and told me to tell him hello. As I sat there listening I was overcome with the loss of his presence by my side. I knew he was at home and all was well but I could not shake this feeling of loss. The feeling was like I was destined to live the rest of my life without him.

Thursday I saw my sister new apartment and I kept thinking I could live in something like this by myself. It is hard to stop thinking like this when you realize that despite going into the hospital each year for the last three years he sees no connection between the hospital visits.

First he passes while walking down the street. He is released from the hospital with a new med which is some kind of beta blocker. After 6 months he is taken off this medicine.

Second he gets a muscle spasm in his leg that last for 2 weeks before he finally listens to be and goes to the hospital. It turns out to be a huge blood clot. He is released from the hospital with 3 weeks of not returning to work and taking blood thinners. After about 9 months he is taken off this medicine.

Now he left arm goes numb. He is admitted to the hospital. Cardiac enzyme giving results that confirm he had a heart attack. He is released from the hospital on a new med which is probably the same kind of beta blocker he was put on from the first admittance into the hospital.

What does he think the cause of these three incidents? “Not taking my medicine like I should.”

That is part of it but only part of it. Diabetes is a vascular disease. Each hospital stay, each more serious than the last, show symptoms of vascular problems. If you damage your blood vessels by not doing as you should it is going to get progressively worst.

This is a little of what is on my mind. It is very hard not to be depress with thoughts like these.