Thursday, June 25, 2009

I know I said this before but here I go again.

Trying to have a child as I enter the age group of 50 is completely asinine! I just turned 46 this year. This is the main reason for not seeking meds to help with fertility. That is a lie! That is not my main reason for not seeking meds to help with fertility. The main reason is that I don’t want to be deemed infertile. I have never had children, I have never been pregnant. So I could just be a barren woman.

Yesterday a co-worker was telling my that her daughter felt the fluttering of her child. She is about 5 months along in her pregnancy . “ You know the fluttering feeling you feel when your pregnant.” She could tell my the blank expression on my face that I had not a clue. She then put her finger tips on my arm and lightly and quickly fluttered them. “ It feels like that .” I just nodded my head. She then changes the subject.

My belly has never grown as a child grows within and all my stretch marks are because I gained too much weight too quickly.

For me having a child meant having a husband. I married my husband when I was 40 I am now 46. My husband has a daughter she is 20. So I feel that he is not the problem. When I turned 42 we decided to try to have a child. It has been 3 1/2 years.

Since I turned 42 my cycle started playing tricks on me. Please realize that when I was in my 20’s and 30’s my cycle was regular and I was so in tune with the way my body worked I could tell what time my cycle was going to start. I felt healthy and my regular cycle was my indicator that I was healthy.

Now my cycles are irregular and I feel out of sorts most of the time. One doctor told me I was premenopausal which only made me sad because I felt I could not have a child because of this. Due to insurance changes I went to a new doctor who told me I was not premenopausal giving me hope again. But my cycles never became regular and at times I had to take Provera just to start the cycle up again.

It is really time to go back to the doctor get the blood work done to see where my FSH , LH, and prolactin levels are. If they are too high this could be a sign of menopause. I will have to make sure to include progesterone levels as well.

I guess the first step is to get to the doctor’s office.

Tuesday, June 23, 2009


I was inspired by this blog SEW MUCH FABRIC, SEW LITTLE TIME.

She is using her fabric stash to create a basic wardrobe. I just love all the T’s and skirts that she has made, so I have decided to work on doing the same.

But first (no I am not putting it off) I have to finish this dress that is making me angry.

I had a wonderful tropical print fabric which would have been the perfect summer dress. I kept the fabric for several summers and did nothing with it.

I finally decided the make a dress; unfortunately it was not a summer dress. Well it is a summer dress but its not the perfect summer dress.

I have decided to go back to not making decision when I am on my cycle. (ironic, huh!) Granted when you have not had a cycle for two months the PMS that usually sounds the warning bell is not so loud.

Never make decision to cut your hair(I'm wearing a wig her name is Oprah) or use perfect summer fabric on a non summer dress.

So my project is to redo this dress and create the perfect summer dress or at least as close to a summer dress as I can get it.

I have to do something to the sleeves and it should fit closer to the body.

I could just put the zipper in the front of it and make it a cover-up for a swimsuit.

Although when I look at it in this picture it’s not so bad.



I just happen the find this while browsing through youtube. I thought I would find something to show how the storm affected us but I did not know I would find one done by a neighbor.

Of course now you know what city I live in.

Sunday, June 21, 2009

What to do?

I have consider shutting down this blog but as usual before giving up and I will give it one more try.

This will be the first of 30 days so see if i can blog for thirty day. Part of the problem is that I do not like to talk about me very much. I am a great listener and try to understand other problems and life situation and what they deal with but I never successfully share this information with other. So my blog suffers. I talk about work not really a major part of my life. I put in my hours and go home.

I talk about home but not extensively because I was taught home was like Vegas; what happens at home stays at home. I think Vegas got the slogan from my dad.

I have never been completely open with my thought feelings hopes and dreams. Even with my closest friend not completely. I have tried to think of the blog as an online journal and I used to write in my journal daily but even that did not get all my clearest thoughts. So what to do?

Should I blog about my lack of children and desire to have them. No really because I have resigned myself to the fact that I will never have children myself so I will have to adopt. Hubby is not on board with that so I will just borrow other family children and live like a mother for short periods of time.

Should I blog about my place of employment and any endeavor to advance. I really don't care enough. Back when I was working for the bank and going to school and trying to get ahead that is when it was a major concern for my so i talked about it a lot and it would have been a perfect time to blog about that.

Should I blog about my attempt at creating a fall line of clothing. I think this might work but when I get involved in what I am doing creatively I really do not talk about it I just do it. Also once I get started I should not stop because It is nearly impossible for me to keep the drive going. I perfer the highway or turnpike driving when I am creating and sewing not the stop and go driving of the city. When I was single this was easy to do I coud just ignore everyone and concentrate on what I was creating until it was done. And everyone knew just leave her alone. Hubby not so much. So I have to devise a way to work everyday and still make time for others, especially hubby.

Should I blog about my determination to get rid of unhealthy aspects of my life. Should I blog about my search for....... I don't know. What to do? What to do?

Wednesday, June 3, 2009

Nothing much to blog about.

I know that I have not had anything to say in a while. Most of what I write is just rambling anyway so I am trying to change that aspect of this blog.

Since I rarely express myself well when talking to people you can guess that is even more difficult writing down what I want to say.

Right now I listen more than I talk.

Everyone seems to have some problem that they need to talk about and I guess that my calm exterior says talk to me. I am amaze that they do not notice the blank look on my face. Maybe what I think is a blank look that should say “ I don’t care.” Is a look that say “ and what happen after that? “ Oh well it is what it is.

I have focus in on my exercise and eating habits. But I don’t blog about that.

I have been taking pictures of different wall art wherever I happen to be. But I don’t blog about that.

I have been sewing but recently broke my sewing needle. But I don’t blog about that.

I have been sketching new clothing designs. But I don’t blog about that.

I plan to get some St. John Wort because I maybe I am a little depressed. But I don’t blog about that.

Today is the first day in 4 days that I actually turn on my computer. When I get home from work the first thing I do is turn on the computer. But I didn’t do that for 4 days.

Perhaps tomorrow I will have something to blog about.